Wop Gamma – The beginning.

Imagine a distant place where nothing is as it seems, where godlike beings struggle for power, clashing in the great voids between the stars and toying with the fates of mortals as children might torment ants.

Now forget it, because it’s not like that, at least not round here.

Somewhere on the fringes of the constellation of Underpaid Minor lay the star of Wop.  It was unremarkable, round, and yellow, and had been there for millions of years quite happy with its own anonymity until it was discovered by itinerant shoe-salesman H.D.Teabag.  He was on a long quest for a legendary planet populated by great mutant millipedes with a penchant for beach holidays, and he arrived with four hundred million pairs of size 7 flip-flops.  Unfortunately there seemed to be no mutant millipedes and he was beginning to think that his mates down the pub had been pulling his leg.

Wop is orbited by a single planet, Wop Gamma, named by Mr. Teabag who henceforth insisted that it is in fact the third planet in the system.  Many suspect this contradiction is the result of a new Wodkatea vintage that has the effect of treble vision, but curiously even Mr. Teabag’s photos of the system also show three planets, all of which appear very different.  When challenged, Mr. Teabag refused to comment, and Greenspace, the galaxy’s militant conservation organization, insisted that he must be responsible for the wanton destruction of the other two planets.

As for Wop Gamma, after initial disappointment Mr. Teabag was delighted to find that it was the second most radioactive place in the known galaxy, and probably a splendid place for beach holidays.  The first most radioactive place was somewhere known as Cellarfield, but not much else is known since no one dares go within a million miles of it.

Despite the radiation, Wop Gamma was inhabited by a rare species of Pterydactyloid, which thrived in the safe U238 saturated atmosphere.  H.D.Teabag tried in vain to sell them flip-flops, but Pterydactyloids don’t have feet and failed to see the benefit of such attire, although they did find that flip-flops taste nice (if a little chewy) if cooked on gas mark 4 for three weeks.

Mr. Teabag left Wop Gamma in disgust but eventually found a planet populated by great mutant millipedes with a penchant for beach holidays, unfortunately they were all size 10.

Several years after its discovery, Wop Gamma was designated a toxic waste dump by the government of Cellarfield, who dispatched a staff of Schriverbuds, the most brain-dead species in the galaxy.  This did not gladden the hearts of the Pterydactyloids of course, who were quite happy going exactly where they pleased and they went on strike, but since they didn’t work anyway they soon realised it was pointless and went for a walk in the mountains instead.

It took them a while to figure out how to walk without feet and thus a year passed even though it would have done so even if they hadn’t gone.  Radium dumping began and the Pterydactyloids were helpless to prevent it.  They sent out word by morse and carrier pigeon, but Morse was too busy investigating a murder and carrier pigeons only fly during the day, which is a bit of a problem in deep space.

Yet one pigeon got through and encountered our hero, bounty hunter and self-styled, coconut eating, interfering busybody, Benny the Bod who almost missed the message after he cooked the pigeon with a nice coconut marinade for lunch.

He came to the rescue in his 2CV, but finding it impractical, he brought a Quasi-Probabilistic Fusoplasmoidal Hydroventiliated Hypercubic pair of Furry Dice and a space ship to put them in all for 5.99 from a man in a trenchcoat down the market, while stocks lasted.  Which was lucky since corporal punishment was still enforced and stocks sold very quickly along with large supplies of rotten Opal Fruits (technology changes but the idea’s the same.)

However there were a few nasty surprises in store for our hero; a blockade of shopping trolleys took over 1000 Twips to clear and that was all in coins.  Then there were strange hallucinations induced by the radiation levels, which caused canisters of radium to appear like sanity pills, or transistors or who knows what.  Yet he struggled onwards, knowing that his efforts to rid the planet of the lethal radium could mean the end of his life and the ultimate doom for all life on Wop Gamma.

But unfortunately it’s not as easy as all that.  The Schriverbuds were convinced that their services were required to prevent any canisters from running away and leaving the planet.  Thus they roamed in their Grabanassas and Phut-deluxes, running over whatever crossed their paths.  They were however, brain-dead and could be lured even into fatal traps.

As for H.D.Teabag, he is still on the run from Greenspace, and having joined up with an exiled and now piratical band of t.v. chefs he is intent on finding new ways to cook flipflops.


Wop Gamma - Manual, Semi-automatic, automatic, and they’re off

Method 1: Press fire to start and complete the game.  But this is of course impossible.

Method 2: The object is to clear each level of its hoard of radium and escape through the exit.  Progress is improved by learning the action of each type of object and its various appearances on other levels.  Above all learn to manipulate the traps as some ideas are used in later as well as earlier levels.

 
Disclaimer of responsibility

 
Quantum and Revelation will not accept responsibility for anything whatsoever, including but not limited to insomnia, insanity, irritability, loss of hair, arthritis in the fingers or wrists, indigestion, athletes foot or any other condition caused while playing this game.  The management will also not accept responsibility for hair pulling sessions or damage to computer equipment due to inability to complete any or all of the levels.  The management would like to emphasize that all the levels have been completed under test conditions, although not necessarily in sequential order.  Unfortunately they now fail to recall how they did so, mostly because of post-traumatic stress disorder, so do not send us any letters as we won’t answer unless a cheque for 10 pounds is enclosed, made payable to Mr A.Fish Esq. or Mr P.Symons.  Note: £10 is a minimum suggestion since padded cells are expensive to run.

Happy frolicking and may you succeed in your quest to demonstrate your ineptitude and complete lack of skill.  Incidentally, beware of the frog.  I’m sure it’s not really worth mentioning, but you’d better beware of it just in case.  On last inspection I didn’t see one, although you never can tell.